Archive | December, 2010

All I want for Christmas

22 Dec

Jordan’s Grandmother is keeping the kids for us while they are out of school.  Hanging out at the office with us is apparently equal to torture.  Who knew?  You’d think that movies, snacks & crafts wouldn’t be that terrible.  [shoulder shrug]

To get the kids in the Christmas spirit, she is taking the kids Christmas shopping.  Jaden & Fisher get to pick out something to give as a gift from them to a few family members.  Awesome, right?  Right. 

Jaden, wanting to make sure that she gets everyone what they want, started questioning the family about what they wanted most in life.  When she asked Jordan’s dad, he couldn’t think of anything.  So, without thinking, he blurted out: “A bazooka!”  Well, you better be careful what you ask for.

Later that night Jaden snuck over to Jordan’s Grandmother and whispered in her ear: “Grandpa wants a gun for Christmas.  A BIG one.  Do you think we can get him one?”



Christmas Calendar, Ages 13+

21 Dec

We all remember what Jaden was for Halloween, right?

That’s right.  A creepy dead girl, A.K.A., a princess.  ;]  Okay, keep that in mind…

Last week the kids had their school Winter Parties…and they had a blast!  Candy, presents…more candy.  They were a study in early onset diabetes.  [wink]  Jaden’s class ended up making calendars as Christmas gifts for their family.  Which is  fabulous idea!  One lucky family member gets the gift of something personal and handmade.  (It may not sound exciting to some, but wait until you have kids.  Suddenly pictures drawn by children become priceless.)  You couldn’t ask for more. 

Jordan ended up being that lucky family member.  He loved the calendar:  It was full of pictures that Jaden had drawn to correspond with each month.  Lemon was featured on January, an ocean scene with fish was featured for July…and then there was October:

What better picture to draw for October than a recreation of Jaden’s Halloween choice for 2010?  The yellow is her hair, the orange is her face and the red is copious amounts of blood streaming down from her head wound.  [Bahaha!]  Oh, and don’t forget her earrings.  She’s gory AND classy at the same time.  [wink]

Ahh…that’s my girl.  [smile]  Merry Christmas, indeed.

Ears and Things

16 Dec

I have small ears.  And I’m not talking ears that are on the smallish side for an adult either.  My ears can still ride the kiddy-roller coaster at the fair.  In fact, I am sure elderly women would try to pinch their cheeks if they had any.  (A sore subject for my ears since it is their greatest wish.  Forever small yet devoid of cheeks to be pinched.  Such as shame.)

Anyway, back on subject.  The darn things are tiny.  Which is perfectly fine when it comes to most things.  Ear muffs?  Oh, they’re covered.  Earrings?  They can hold their own.  But what about ear buds?  Ah…now those are a problem.  Not only are my ears small, but my canals are even smaller.  (Eh-heh.  Not many people can brag about having small ear canals.  Bada-bing!)

No matter what I do, they won’t stay in.  They’re too big.  (…that’s what she said!  Oh, come on.  You were going to say it if I wasn’t.)  Ear buds pop out of my ears the second I put them in.  It’s like corn kernels hitting hot oil.  Pfoo, pfoo!  Ear buds everywhere!  Look out below!

Not one to be easily discouraged, I moved on to the kind of ear buds that wrap around behind your ear.  They kind of like a training bra.  They don’t provide much support, but they do keep what little you have in place.  Or, at least that’s what they’re supposed to do.  The problem with me is that my ears are too small for the ear bud thingies to wrap around.  (I’m a little rusty on my ear bud anatomy…you’ll have to excuse me.)  The wrap-around part!  That’s it.  They can’t wrap around because there’s not enough to well, wrap around.  It is a true crisis.

The crisis is that Jordan got me an iPod Touch for Christmas.  (But, Raine.  It’s not Christmas yet.  Did y’all cheat?  Of course we cheated.)  I’ve finally got it loaded up with awesome music that rocks my $3 socks and I can hardly hear it.  Tis a cruel, cruel world!  So, this afternoon, I’m going to shop in the kids section of an electronics store.  Maybe the Tinker Bell ear buds will work for me.  You know she’s hot right now? Oh yeah, totally.   My niece says so.  ;]

Hipstamatic, yo.

I guess I’ll just play with my cool new apps until I get my ears outfitted properly.  My 70’s style Fisher looks pretty awesome.

I should have named him Sparky

15 Dec

The most mysterious phenomenon has been occurring around me lately.  Everything is shocking me.  I know it’s pretty common during the winter.   The air is dry, your skin is dry…everything is like a desert.  And I guess that’s why static electricity builds up so easily.  However, I have entered an entire new level of dry.  You think it’s dry in Georgia during the winter?  Move to Oklahoma.  It’s dryyyyy.  And I’m not talking about little shocks…I’m talking big ones.  BIG ones.

Take for instance the other day: I walked into Jordan’s office to give him a quick kiss.  Because he’s a sexy man beast.  [wink]    The moment was perfect, the fluorescent lights where humming overhead, the computers were whirring softly in the background and Jordan had a 2-week-old beard that tried to attack my face whenever I got near.  The time could not have been more perfect.  However, just as our lips touched, static electricity stole the show.  Our lips shocked each other so badly that I was sure we were going to look like that kid from Jurassic Park once we took a step back.  (You know…when he’s climbing down the electric fence and the people back in the control room finally figure out how to turn the power back on?)  Yep.  Bleeding ears and all.  Talk about a man who can knock your socks off.  His kiss really packed a punch.  (Ba-dum Chish.  <– That was a cymbal and drums, FYI.)   For the rest of the day we just exchanged hugs.

Then, two nights ago, static electricity showed up in the oddest place.  At 1AM Denny, our Corgi, heard another dog in the neighborhood barking.  Not wanting to be rude, he returned the dogs barks from inside our bedroom.  I yelled “No!” as loud as I could, hoping that he would catch on to the idea that dogs shouldn’t bark indoors, especially when the entire house is asleep.  No takers.  About that time, Jordan popped up awake beside me.  He hadn’t heard Denny barking, but he had heard my yelling.  He assumed that I was talking in my sleep again.  It’s as if I talk in my sleep often.  (Eh-heh)  I can’t imagine why he’d assume that.  ;]

Once I’d assured Jordan that I’d yelled out on purpose, he went back to sleep and Denny continued to bark at a dog that was in no way capable of hearing him.  So I put him in bed with us.  I petted him and talked baby talk to him because all dogs love baby talk.  Right?  After a few minutes of having his ears rubbed and his back scratched he calmed down and stretched out to go to sleep.  Just then, the weirdest thing happened: As I was petting his back, sparks began to appear in his fur.  His fur started crackling and sparking like a roman candle.  Holy 4th of July, Batman.  This dog is about to go off!

I.  Freaked.  Out.  Holy moly.  My dog was throwing off sparks.  If I continued to pet him, surely the bed would catch on fire!  And then the house!  And then the neighborhood!  (Ah-ha!  We’d show that other dog what happens when he barks in the night!)  Denny didn’t seem to notice that his fur was alive with electricity, but I certainly did.  I quickly woke up Jordan again, sure that he would help me put out the fire that our dog was going to start.  He was….less than happy that I’d woken him up again.

“Omigosh, Jordan!  Denny is on fire!  I mean, not ON fire…but his fur is throwing off sparks!  Look at this!  Oh…the utter horror of it all!”

“Um…that’s perfectly normal.  Can I go back to sleep?”

“What do you mean that’s normal?  Our dog is going to start a fire.”

“No he won’t.  Trust me.  It’s just that the air is dry and it’s easy to build up an electrical charge when the air is like this.  I used to create sparks with my pajama’s all the time when I was a kid.  I’d just kick my legs back and forth under the covers and sparks would appear. Static electricity.  Now, goodnight.”

I may have sat at the end of that conversation feeling a bit dumb, but I am still convinced that Denny is going to cause a fire.  Now I know why the gas pumps always warn you to discharge yourself before touching the pumps.  If my dog can do that, imagine what I could do at the gas pump.  Ooo…spooky.

So now I may become a hermit.  You know, stay in my house made entirely out of concrete and never leave. [wink]  It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make if it means not burning down the universe.

The Origin of Things

13 Dec

Over the weekend Jordan, the kids and I drove down to Dallas to visit Jordan’s Grandmother.  (Well, she lives in Pilot Point, TX…but who’s heard of that?)  Anywho, per our usual, we ended up at the Stonebriar Centre Mall in Frisco which is ridiculously enormous and full of spoiled teenagers spending daddy’s money.  It’s more fun than a barrel full of monkeys.  (Don’t get me wrong, though.  The mall is amazing.)

The kids were excited about going to Build-A-Bear workshop and I was excited about walking through Williams & Sonoma.  ([sigh]  They have the most amazing vegetable peelers in existence.)  After circling the parking lot a few times, we actually managed to find a spot not too far from the entrance of Nordstrom’s.  A small miracle considering the mall and the time of year.  We all bounded out of the car and made a bee-line for the door.  It wasn’t too cold outside, but the 30 MPH wind made for a good motivator to get inside.  It was odd…it hadn’t been this windy when we’d eating lunch just a few minutes before.  Perplexed, I exclaimed out loud:

“Where is all this wind coming from?”

To which Jaden replied:

“Mmm….probably from Hell.”

Because that’s where all wind comes from?  I cannot honestly imagine where she gets these one-liners.  All that I know is that they are down-right hilarious.  Of course, once she saw that Hell was funny, everything for the rest of the day was somehow related to Hell.  We had a hellaciously great day at the mall.  ;]

I just hope that one of her friends doesn’t ask her where babies come from.  [wink]

The poor hobos!

10 Dec

Jaden has recently become obsessed with hobos.  Random, right?  Oh, yes.  I cannot even begin to imagine where this line of thought has come from, but she is deeply concerned about hobos.  

In an attempt to answer all of her hobo-related questions, I went to Wikipedia to educate myself:

Unlike tramps, who work only when they are forced to, and bums, who don’t work at all, hobos are workers who wander.

Well…I’m glad I got that straight.  I was almost certain that hobos were  bums.  [whew]  Crisis avoided. 

Yesterday, on the way home from work, Jaden started asking about hobos again.  I was feeling confident in myself since I’d recently read up on the hobo population.  However, Wikipedia did not prepare me for this particular conversation:

Jaden:  Do all hobos live in the sewer?

Me: Uh…no?  I think most of them live above ground.

Jaden: But some of them do live in the sewer.  They can lift up those round things in the road and go underground.

Me: Manholes? 

Jaden: Right.  Those round things.  Hey, are there alligators in the sewer?

Me: I think there might be a few here and there.


Put the lotion in the basket

9 Dec


My dog has lost his mind.  He hasn’t just temporarily misplaced it, it is gone.  Forever.  Never to return.  (Could I get any more dramatic?)

Tuesday Denny went to the vet to get neutered.  He’s gotten to be a little too aggressive, especially around Fisher.  (Could it be because Fisher regularly body-checks Denny?  Hrm.)  It was the usual routine: check in early, stay overnight, return home the next day minus the hormones.  And apparently, a shred of sanity.  Did you know that a dogs peace of mind can be found in the region of his nads?  I didn’t either, but I’m pretty sure that’s where it is.  His herding instincts have suddenly been kicked into high gear.  Much to the detriment of Lemon.  He follows her everywhere.  EVERYWHERE.  He doesn’t get more than 2mm away from her at all times.  Meal time?  Why eat his food when he can obsess over Lemon eating hers.  Nap time?  Why stretch out and relax when you can have a 20 pound Corgi sit on top of you?  Need I say more?

He’s walking around the house in a constant state of hyperventilation.  I was sure that after five hours that he might pass out.  But, no.  He hasn’t.  He’s still just panting, shaking and stalking.  I’m waiting for him to tell Lemon to “…It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”  If he had a basement, I’d totally be checking it out for dead prostitutes & Dachshund-skin jackets.

And the worse part?  He desperately needs to be wearing the “cone of shame.”  But when he’s in the cone, he dials up the crazy to 10.  Do you really want to know how much sleep I got last night?   Would you like it in hours or minutes?  Because it wouldn’t be hard to calculate either.

(Even now as I’m typing Lemon is sitting in my lap and Denny is staring madly at her from the edge of the recliner.  Barking, whimpering, panting and basically going nuts.  Holy moly.)

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go hunt down an aroma-therapy candle for my dog.