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Surgery, Day One

17 Oct

My Septoplasty went well this morning. My entire head hurts more than I had expected, but at least I have some good pain meds to keep my pain under control. The downside of the pain meds is that they make my nose itch. And I most certainly can’t scratch! Oh, and my nose is bleeding like a stripped out faucet. My nose is quite the overachiever in the blood flow department. Maybe it will get a big bonus at the end of the year for its hard work. ;) I am currently surrounded by dogs, bloody tissues and a bevy of medicines and bandages. It’s like an anti-vacation over here.  The climax of which will come next week when my nasal splints get pulled out. I hope there will be fireworks for the occasion.  ;]

The Long Goodbye

8 Oct

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At the beginning of this year I had an UTI, everyone’s least favorite infection.  There’s nothing quite like the sensation of urinating fire. I quickly got on an antibiotic and a regimen of Sprite + Cranberry juice and assumed that everything would be fine.  And for a short while things were somewhat okay.  They weren’t perfect, but they weren’t as bad.  Hmm.  So for a few months I felt like I was on the verge of another UTI or that I had a mild case of it.  Finally things got bad enough that I went back into the doctor for what  I assumed was another bad UTI.  Unfortunately my urine sample came back clean.  This won me not another antibiotic, but a referral to a Urologist.

Let me just pause here and state that no woman wants to be subjected to any other doctor that has to poke about her nether-regions.  The annual pap smear by the Gynecologist is bad enough.  Do I really want to have to get prodded twice in one year?  That’s a negative.  (And besides, I don’t even thing Urologists tape pictures of beach scenes to the ceiling for you to look at while your lady parts are being invaded.   Sheesh.)

With dread I went to my appointment and got a thorough check-up from the Urologist which was even more unpleasant than a pap smear.  As if that is even possible.  We chatted about all the things you never want to discuss with someone other than your spouse and I even gave them a free urine sample.  (Because I’m that nice of a person.)  My Urologist diagnosed me with Interstitial Cystitis and scheduled me for a Cystoscopy to gauge the severity of my IC.

I returned a week later for the Cystoscopy with more than a moderate amount of apprehension.  I was told that only a local anesthetic was needed and that I shouldn’t worry.  Oh, that was such a lie.  That is quite possible the biggest lie ever told.  If ever you have to undergo a Cystoscopy and your doctor says that only a local anesthetic is needed, run.  Run as fast and as far away as you can.  For the love of all things, run.  I honestly would rate the pain of that procedure as worse than childbirth.  At least with childbirth you have the option of an Epidural.  With this procedure, all I had was some weak numbing gel that only “numbed” the opening of my urethra.  What about the rest of your urethra?  What about your bladder?  If you’ve been diagnosed with a painful bladder disorder, do you really want a metal tube shoved any near your unmentionables?  I think not.  Even after a rescue installation of a numbing solution into my bladder and a few injections in my backside, I was still sobbing with pain.  It was absolutely the worst experience.  It was only afterward that I learned a lot of Urologist will only perform a Cystoscopy under General Anesthesia because of the severe pain caused by the procedure.  Just my luck.

I left that day in tears with a list of prescriptions and a list of forbidden foods and drinks.  Oh my.

It’s been six months since that awful appointment and I have just now realized that I can no longer ignore my diagnosis in hopes that it will go away.  After a weekend full of coffee, hot tea, tomato-based stew & pizza, my bladder is just about ready to give up and run away.  Last night was a long, terrible night.  It was one of my worst IC flares in a while and I am still not feeling 100% today.  Thus today will be my last day of enjoying all of my forbidden goodies.  Goodbye coffee,  Goodbye, soda.  Goodbye, chocolate and tomatoes and all the other wonderful things in life that are full of flavor.

Do you or someone you know suffer from IC?  If so, I’d love to hear your story!  Especially any tips for overcoming the craving for coffee and chocolate and all the other lovely things we’re not supposed to have.  ;]

My nose knows

5 Oct

At the beginning of the year I had a chronic sinus infection that lasted for over 3 months.  I had six different antibiotics and narrowly avoided “drastic measures” to make it go away.

Since then I’ve had surgery, my husband had his gallbladder remove and my son just had his tonsils out.  As far as surgery is concerned, we have been there, done that and have an entire closet of T-Shirts to prove it.  (Actually, it’s less of a closet of T-Shirts and more of a draw full of non-skid, one-size-fits-none non-skid socks.)

Thus I was less than pleased this week to be told by my doctor that I once again had a chronic sinus infection.  It’s been with me since July and though we’ve had some good times in the doctor’s office together, I’m ready for the relationship to end.  What can I say, it’s just not working out.  It’s not you, it’s me.

To solidify my doctor’s diagnosis, I was sent for a CT Scan of my sinuses.  I was disappointed to find out that I wouldn’t get a copy of the scan.  How awesome would that be hanging over the fireplace?  Maybe framed by some art by the kids?  Classy.  It turned out that my chronic sinus infection was beginning to wane but I did, in fact, have a very messed up nose.  “Where you in some horrible accident as a child?”  “Have you ever wrestled a bear?”  “What exactly did you do to your nose?”  Me?  I have no clue.  As far as I know, this is the same nose I was born with.  What can I say, my nose is a free spirit.

Apparently my nose sports a severely deviated septum which itself sports several nasal bone spurs.  Sa-weet!  When it comes to my nose, if it’s going to go, it’s going to go ALL the way.  My funked-up nose has won me a one-way, no expenses paid ticket to a Septoplasty on October 17th.

Have you ever Googled a Septoplasty?  Oh, it’s horrible.  Not only will the surgeon “fix” my septum, he’s going to do some lipo on my turbinates as well.  Dude…a nose job and lip!  All I need now are some new boobs!  (Seriously, who knew you could liposuction your turbinates?  Who knew what turbinates where without having to do a Google search?)

Oh the places I’ll go!  Actually, it should be “oh , all the places I won’t go!” because my nose will be seriously messed up and I’ll have splints in for 9 days.  That’s right.  A swollen, bloody nose with two straws stuck inside.  Nice.  Sexy.  How will I keep my husband off of me?

Stay tuned for more nose-tastic news!

Unwelcome Guests

12 Apr

 

School Play: "Wolf's Chicken Stew"

 

Somewhere on that cute little head rest survivors of lice treatment #1.  That’s right.  Fisher ended up with lice as well as Jaden.  Over the weekend I discovered that a few of the rebel forces had survived the first round of poisoning on both of their heads.  [collective sigh]  Thus I busted out some tea tree oil.  That’s right little lice, shake in fear.  No really, shake.  Thankfully I added just enough to the kid’s shampoo to eradicate the few remaining lice while leaving Jaden and Fisher’s hair silky smooth.

…However Jordan did not.

I needed a pool of death to which I could exile lice refugees.  Thus I got Jordan to fix me up a bowl of what I thought was diluted tea tree oil and water.  Well, he went with equal parts of water and tea tree oil instead.  Let’s just say that tea tree oil that is not properly diluted is a great way to melt a lice comb.  Dudes…that comb disintegrated!  Which was awesome in a creepy way until I fully grasped the implications.  I am so glad I did my homework before beginning that particular treatment on the kid’s heads.  They could be bald right now.  No hair.  No skin.  Just nice, shiny white skulls.  And today is picture day at school too.  Think of all the funny looks they would have gotten!  [wink]

So uh, is your head itching yet?  ;]

How do you spell love? L.I.C.E.

5 Apr

For over a week now Jaden’s head has  been itching like mad.  And for over a week now I have been baffled as to what could be causing it.  I’ve been combing through it every day with not the slightest hint as to what was going on.  Until last night.  We had all taken an evening trip up to the city to visit Super Cao Nguyen, an Asian supermarket and had gotten back home late.  Since it takes Jaden forever to dry her hair with a blow dryer, I opted to do it for her.  Oh the things I saw.  Millions of things.  Tiny things.  With tiny legs.  And tiny mouths.  Lice.  Hoards of them.

I have heard of this being a common childhood problem but have never dealt with it first hand.  I always assumed that it would be frustrating but otherwise not too complicated.  Oh, how I was wrong.  After giving Jaden the human equivalent of a flea bath, I spent over two hours with her on the couch, combing through her hair like an ape that hadn’t seen a decent meal in a month.  I combed and combed….and picked and picked…and combed some more.  For hours.  Does anyone know how many hairs are on a human head?  Answer: too many.  The damned things died  in her hair with a death grip on her hair shafts.  Lice comb?  Psh.  For amateurs.  Canine flea comb?  It may give the lice a gentle massage as it blows past them.  No, I extracted untold amounts of lice and eggs from her hair with just a thumb and a fore finger.

I’ve spent the rest of the day washing everything in piping hot water.  I’ve boiled every hair brush, band, clip and bow.  I’ve vacuumed every square centimeter of the house.  I am freakishly tired and hot.  Also, did I mention the stuffed animals?  Jaden sleeps with a zoo at night and all one thousand of its occupants are now sealed in air tight backs for four weeks of fun in the dark in the garage.

So…head lice.  Frustrating?  Oh, you have no idea.

I’ll be treating Fisher tonight just as a precautionary measure.  As for Jordan and myself…well, we took care of ourselves last night:

 

I look as though a cow has molested my scalp with its tongue.

 

There is nothing more romantic than combing through your spouses scalp.  Nor does anything else spell “oh baby, oh baby, oh yeah” like your spouse dousing you with lice killer.  It was a hot night on our bedroom last night.

Ovaries and some such things

7 Mar

Over the weekend our main, at-home computer died.  That’s right, the blue screen of death.  It’s never a good sign.  That and the lack of pulse.  Poor, HP.  Anywho, my main concerns with the computer dying lay with our family photos.  Because I’m an idiot and have never backed them up.  (Unless you call uploading them all to Snapfish backing up.  Then I’m awesome.)  This effectively put a wrench in Jordan’s weekend as well as my own.

You see I made an Amaretto Brioche Bread Pudding with homemade whipped cream and blackberries.  I had planned to grace you all with pictures of my glorious high-calorie dessert, but I didn’t know when I would be able to gain access to pictures.  So I didn’t.  The upside to this is that I can say that it was the most beautiful dessert that human eyes have ever fallen upon and no one can challenge me.  Ha!

Thankfully, Jordan was able to retrieve all of our important documents and pictures from the dying hard drive before having to wipe it clean.  Even though it took all weekend to repair, we now have Windows 7 instead of Vista.  And you all know how awesome that is.  So, the computer lives again.  And all the peoples rejoiced in its return.

While the computer was down, I threw myself into putting together jigsaw puzzles with the kids.  Because this is how people comfort themselves when technology fails.  Well, let me rephrase my first statement.  I put together jigsaw puzzles within close proximity of the kids.  They gave me congratulatory pats on the back as they watched movies.  It was a true bonding experience.  I even managed to lose 3 puzzle pieces in the process.  Thus I was robbed of that fuzzy feeling you get when you complete a new puzzle for the first time.  I’ll never know if that snake ever got hit in the face with a pie.  Tra-ge-dy!  (…and the kids were utterly appalled.  Sorry, kidos.)

Today the sun rose over a house full of stuffy noses and inflamed tonsils.  Thank you, Oklahoma.  Your wild temperature swings have insured another trip to the doctor for us all.  Along with all that my left ovary is aching.  I’m sure you were all just wondering about the state of my ovaries.  Well let me tell you, my left one is none too happy.  I’m hoping the Almond Joy flavored coffee creamer I dosed my coffee with this morning will prove to be calming for it.  Otherwise I’m not sure what I’ll do.  Ovarian massage, perhaps?  [shoulder shrug]

Last but not least today is the day that Fisher gets his eyes examined.  I have to confess that I’m looking forward to him getting his eyes dilated.  Dilated eyes are so creepy.  [giddy grin]  I mean, poor Fishman.  [cough]  Hopefully we’ll be able to avoid glasses, but then again that would leave no explanation as to why his eyes bother him so much.  Guess we’ll have to wait and see.  Ha!  Get it?  Wait and see?  [ahem]  Right.

I leave you now with the only picture I have to share.  A lady bug doodle by yours truly.  (Here’s to hoping I’ll be able to access pictures by tomorrow!)

One insured fa-mi-ly

24 Feb

Health Insurance!  Why, Raine…whatever possessed you to shout out such a phrase?  Well, you see…I’m actually in the possession of some health insurance, along with my husband and children.  We are one insured fa-mi-ly.  That is until we actually need to use said insurance.  Then it lets me down.  Kind of like a store brand maxi.  (Too much?  It’s true, though.) 

Jaden got the flu a few weeks ago during THE blizzard and mysteriously insurance did not cover her Tamiflu.  Herm.  Well, maybe it’s because she’s a minor and it was a liquid.  Then Jordan got the flu.  Still no dice.  Then I got the trifecta of illness and even my measly Z-Pack wasn’t covered.  What’s up, insurance?  Why do you have to be so cruel?  Haven’t I always been good to you?  What about that weekend in Aspen?  It was special! 

(…and do you even know the market price for Tamiflu?  Let’s just say that my wallet is on witness protection after the beating it received this month.)

Now I’m needing to get a refill on my regulars…namely my birth control.  And do you think my insurance wants to cover it?  Negatory.  And lo, it came to pass that I am currently taking one of the most expensive birth control medications on the market.  It would almost be comical…if it weren’t for the pain being inflicted on my bank account.  Turns out that my insurance decided to change all of us to “ineligible status.”  Because it likes to watch people squirm.  Not a clue why…just, [flick]…there, see how you like THAT.  (And I must say I don’t like it one bit.) 

So now I’ve waited semi-patiently all week for this mess to get sorted out.  Whatever will I do?  I cannot comfort myself in the arms of my husband…we all know where that would lead and I’m still waiting on my goods.  “Tis a cruel irony!