Archive | January, 2011

The Rules of Walking

31 Jan

In the face of a potentially epic winter storm starting this evening, let me tell you about how awesome the weather was on Saturday:

Seventy degrees.  In January.  In Oklahoma.  It was absolutely amazing.  Blue skies, slight breeze, and shorts that hadn’t been worn in months.  So, Jordan, the kids and I took the dogs on a long walk around the neighborhood.  Jaden and Fisher decided that they didn’t want to walk and road their Razor scooters instead.

The only thing that could have made out outing more perfect was if I had done the laundry the day before.  You see, I can always tell when I need to do laundry when I get down to my “attractive” but not ideally comfortable underwear.  (I’m sure that all my family reading this wanted to know that…just wait, it gets worse.)  Needless to say, I was not wearing the proper attire for a long walk.  Trying to stay positive about the situation, I decided to brag to Jordan about my “clothing options” for the day.  The kids  were ahead of us and I had a captive audience.

…so I lifted up the left side of my shorts to give Jordan  a peek.  Because I’m sexy that way.  [wink]  After flashing him, I turned my head to give him the obligatory wink that always follows these type of maneuvers.  And that is when I spotted the jogger coming up behind us.

Crap.

Note to self.  Scope out the neighborhood before you flash you husband with your “good” side.  Sorry random jogger who lives a few houses away.  I promise to not make eye contact with you when I pass you on the road.  Oh…and I’ll keep my shorts in place for now on.

Don’t rock the boat

28 Jan

I’ve always known that I’m a jumpy lady.  And I definitely cannot watch a scary movie without having a personal Chauffeur on standby for a 48 hour period.  One could even go so far as to say that I am easily frightened.  “Whhhat?  Mwa?  Noooo.”  [Hands posed in a “I’m all aghast” position]

However, I am pretty sure that I am getting worse as I get older.  Just now Jordan stepped into our bedroom to warn me that he was going to turn on the hair dryer for a few minutes and for me not to get scared.  He did this so I wouldn’t scream and attach myself to the ceiling in the nature of Tom & Jerry…and also so I wouldn’t give him a heart attack.  Though I can’t imagine why.  Screaming as if one were having their body assaulted by an army of leaches is nothing to get your blood pumping.  [wink]

Even at work, my in-laws have picked up on my habit of screaming apocalypse-style if they enter the room without me noticing…which is 97.4% of the time.   (It’s quite an accurate measurement.)  They found that whistling works best and shuffling their feet not so much.  In fact, shuffling your feet as you enter a room will increase my scare/scream/jump factor by ten.  It’s serious stuff.  The sound of shuffling feet creates in my brain the image of the undead closing in around me.  And we all know how seriously awful zombies can be.  So in this instance, I feel justified in my seemingly ridiculous compulsion to scream.

Now that I think about it, my work place routine is down-right comical.  Want to walk around the office without scaring Raine while simultaneously giving yourself a premature head of gray hair?  Try whistling.  Want to give Raine a kiss?  Better grab a stapler.  (Of course this last scenario applies strictly to Jordan….ah-duh.)   I’m sure that given time, I’ll have my co-workers jumping through some even more bizarre hoops.  I’m hoping they’ll involve roasted peanuts, because they are oh-so-delicious.

(I’d throw in an evil/maniacal laugh right about now, but that would just be mean.)  [wink]

When the bed’s a’rockin…

24 Jan

Logic is something that the kids have yet to come to terms with.  Example:

Fisher, wearing nothing but a T-Shirt and Spiderman underwear: “I’m coo-ooold.”

Me: “So….put on some pants.”

Fisher, now featuring a light bulb over his head: “Oh!  Okay!”

My favorite lapse in logic for the weekend occurred Friday night while the kids were exiled in their bedroom.  (They were Grade A crazy and were about to drive Jordan & I to drinking….er, soda that is.)

After only being back in their room for about, oh..five minutes, a long, high-pitched scream wafted from the kid’s room and swirled around the living room ceiling like the dark cloud that it was.  Jordan went to investigate.  (You know, the type of investigation where you sneak down the hallway, linger at the door way for a moment and then burst into the room to the surprise and horror of the children.  It’s a classic.)  What he found was…disturbing.  Jaden was perched perilously on top of their bunk bed while Fisher was standing at the bottom of the bed shaking it with all his might.  (Which was surprisingly a lot.)

Jordan: “Why are you shaking the bed?”

Fisher: “Because Jaden won’t stop screaming!”

Right-O.  I guess it never occurred to him that the reason she was screaming was because he was shaking the bed.  It’s a complicated world.  [wink]

Skunk Boots

21 Jan

I sometimes think that the kid in me has failed to realized that I’m not a kid anymore.  For example, yesterday while playing in the snow with the kids, my inner-child marveled at my boots and how very much they looked like skunks.  Ridiculous, I know, but goshdarnit they do hold a resemblance if you look at them in a certain way.  (I think that certain way is with your head tilted to the side while eating a Gerkin.  That should make it clear.) 

Sadly, I left my skunk boots at home today.  There wasn’t enough snow left on the ground to warrant their wearing, plus I am fresh out of black socks.  (A tragedy, as I am sure you will agree.)  I did have some brown cat socks, which means that I am wearing some brown clogs today instead.  Funny….they look very similar to hedgehogs.  [wink]

The Moment.

20 Jan

I finally had my moment this morning.  The moment that I never had as a child.  It is the  one where you wake up and notice that the light squeezing through the blinds looks different from the way it should.  And that is because when you finally drag yourself from your warm bed you discover that there is snow as far as the eye can see.  This morning I have felt like a kid.

The school called dark and early this morning to let us know that school was canceled for the day due to ice and snow.  Under all of our fine, powdery snow is ice.  The snow looks so soft and inviting and then it strikes out as soon as you step foot on it.  “Oh, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mention the ice?  Yes, well…surprise! It took me all night to get it juuuust right.”


As soon as the kids woke up this morning they had their moments as well.  [The loudest and most hysterical gasp ever to have been uttered]  “Snow!”  “Omigosh-Mommy-snow!”  Of course with the thoughts of snow ball fights in their heads, they ate breakfast in record time and where waiting be the door seemingly in minutes from waking up to go outside and decimate each other.

Denny decided to tag along and see what all this snow talk was about.  He quickly discovered that, “Holy cow!  This stuff is just frozen water!”  [Gobble, gobble, gobble]  The dog loves cold water and loves ice cubes even more and now here it was.  Water and ice combined into a fluffy delicacy all for his personal enjoyment.  Oh, it was almost too much for his doggie mind to handle.  He then proceeded to open his mouth and gently set it down on the snow so he could walk and scoop it up at the same time.  Genius!  Once he’d ridden that train as far is it would go, he set out to capture and consume as many straw snow balls that he could get to.  Much to the detriment of Jaden & Fisher’s winter-time fun.  ;]

Ahh…so this has been our morning.  The kids have made snow balls that disintegrate into dust upon impact and Denny has been effectively snow plowing the backyard.  Well, that is until they’d been out in it for about ten minutes and discovered that a wind chill of -2 degrees was serious stuff.  So now we’re all inside drinking hot chocolate and waiting for the feeling to come back into our fingers.  We’d cross them for luck, but they don’t seem to be working at the moment.  [wink]

Whaz.

19 Jan

It is quickly becoming apparent that Jaden is entering the phase of childhood where she becomes cooler than me.  Or, as she would say, more cooler.  Hooray, grammar!  However, I cannot be sure if she’s entered this phase yet or not. 

Last night she was talking on the phone to her dad and was telling him about Gulliver’s Travels.  (The Jack Black, moving picture version.)  Thankfully Jordan’s parents took the kids to see this movie, saving Jordan and myself from the horrors of such a film.  (The thought of seeing that movie is almost as bad as even considering seeing Beverly Hills Chihuahua.)   But I digress…

During the movie Jack Black/Gulliver is faced with a fire and no means of putting it out.  Well, thank goodness for male genitalia!  Gulliver turns around, whips it out and urinates the fire to death.  However, Jaden’s description of this scene was worded differently:

 Jaden: “…and then, and then he took a whaz on the fire and put it out!”

 Her Dad: “…*long, awkward pause*…”

 Me: “ [startled gasp] …you mean he tinkled on it?”

 Jaden: “…yeah!  That!”

 (As if “tinkle” is a more appropriate way of referring to urinating.  The poor kid won’t know how to refer to bathroom habits by the time she hits high school.) 

 Now, please explain to me the word “whaz.”  I assume it has an “H” in it.  I think it looks more interesting that way, so there you go.  Is this a new term or has Jaden simply mis-pronounced “whiz”?

At first I must admit the word sounds a bit crass, but the more I think about it, the more I like it.  “Excuse me, ladies.  This tea with crumpets is superb, but I must go take a whaz.  You know how it is.”

I don’t know.  I’m going to try it out today and let you know how it goes. 

Whaz.  I bet it’s on the S.A.T.  [wink] 

The Dreams [cue Dark Shadows theme song]

18 Jan

Let me just start things off by saying that yesterday, my 300th blog post, I ranted on about the Golden Globes.  If I ever do that again, just know that aliens have taken me aboard their ship for probes and Yatzee. Yeesh.

….

Anywho, back to your regularly scheduled blogging…

This past weekend found most of our direct and indirect family sitting around the TV.  The kids were soaking up their introductory viewing of “The Incredible Mr. Limpet,” which is kick-ass and awesome and low-fat.  While…eight-ish feet away, the adults were watching a Bio on John Carpenter’s Halloween.  So, you could say that we were covering all our bases this weekend.

Mr. Limpet had yet to turn into a fish and thus was not animated yet…and thus Fisher wasn’t really sure if he liked it.  He therefore sidled over into adult territory to check out the action in our camp.  It was full of knives and painted William Shatner masks as you would expect.  (Did you know that the mask used in Halloween was a simple William Shatner/Star Trek mask painted white?  There’s some awesome trivia for ‘ya.)

Well, Fisher is about as subtle as a hairy back peeking out over the top of a Hanes White T-Shirt.  He was quickly discovered and Michael Myers was paused half-way through killing Jamie Lee’s boyfriend.

Me: “Fisher.  Why don’t you go and watch Mr. Limpet?”

Fisher: “I don’t waaaaant to.”  (Said as he rolled about like an epileptic snake.)

Me: “Well, you really need to go watch Mr. Limpet.  It’s going to get good in a minute and the show we are watching is scary.”

Fisher: “Bgrphf.”  (Which I assume means “I’d rather not.”)

Me: “…but Mr. Limpet is a funny show!”

Fisher: “…not the funny shows!  They give me the dreams!”

….

Say what?  The dreams?  Talk about scary….that sounds like a horror flick John Carpenter should have made.

Where does he get his material?  And what do you say in response to that as a parent?

I went with: “…uuuuhhh….*hysterical laughter*….*cough*….Ahem….Right….Go watch your movie….now.”

It was somewhat effective.  [wink]