Put the lotion in the basket

9 Dec


My dog has lost his mind.  He hasn’t just temporarily misplaced it, it is gone.  Forever.  Never to return.  (Could I get any more dramatic?)

Tuesday Denny went to the vet to get neutered.  He’s gotten to be a little too aggressive, especially around Fisher.  (Could it be because Fisher regularly body-checks Denny?  Hrm.)  It was the usual routine: check in early, stay overnight, return home the next day minus the hormones.  And apparently, a shred of sanity.  Did you know that a dogs peace of mind can be found in the region of his nads?  I didn’t either, but I’m pretty sure that’s where it is.  His herding instincts have suddenly been kicked into high gear.  Much to the detriment of Lemon.  He follows her everywhere.  EVERYWHERE.  He doesn’t get more than 2mm away from her at all times.  Meal time?  Why eat his food when he can obsess over Lemon eating hers.  Nap time?  Why stretch out and relax when you can have a 20 pound Corgi sit on top of you?  Need I say more?

He’s walking around the house in a constant state of hyperventilation.  I was sure that after five hours that he might pass out.  But, no.  He hasn’t.  He’s still just panting, shaking and stalking.  I’m waiting for him to tell Lemon to “…It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”  If he had a basement, I’d totally be checking it out for dead prostitutes & Dachshund-skin jackets.

And the worse part?  He desperately needs to be wearing the “cone of shame.”  But when he’s in the cone, he dials up the crazy to 10.  Do you really want to know how much sleep I got last night?   Would you like it in hours or minutes?  Because it wouldn’t be hard to calculate either.

(Even now as I’m typing Lemon is sitting in my lap and Denny is staring madly at her from the edge of the recliner.  Barking, whimpering, panting and basically going nuts.  Holy moly.)

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go hunt down an aroma-therapy candle for my dog.


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